Who, me?

One night I dreamed a dream.  Of you.

A friend, a trusted and beloved one, encouraged me to write about myself and my journey not only with you, but without you.  He urged me to continue sharing memories and my journey as I learn to navigate this world without you by my side. But he also urged me not to deny myself the space to continue my growth outside of you, outside of our relationship.  To explore my trajectory in this crazy word, not just as the girl whose sister died, but also as my own individual.  He words struck a chord with me.  You are my reflection, showing me the best version of myself that I could be, all I hope to embody.  You are of course so much more, far more than I can ever fit into writing.  And just one of your amazing talents was that you helped people see their best self, in the most beautifully non-judgmental way.  I have no blooming idea how, but you navigated this treacherous path so expertly.   

Now that I am without you (physically, at least), I need to walk alone.  No doubt I will look down at the sand, at the single footprints that were once a pair, and realise that, in fact, throughout the most difficult of times you are carrying me on your back.  Like in my dreams where I often carry you on mine.  That image of one of us carrying the other continues to come back to me.  It encircles us, recurring in the oddest of places, a conversation, a dream, a friend’s tarot reading. No doubt one day I will realize that we continue to support each other despite the seemingly insurmountable obstacle of your death. To whatever lies beyond the Styx.  

But for now that single track must continue alone.  

So, I sit at my desk, in front of my computer, to write about me.  Excitement mounting. Fingers twitching.  I am buzzing.  I put my fingers on the keys, my familiar friends.  The curve under my fingertips feels molded to my touch. 

I pause. [Anticipation hangs in the air.] 

Nothing.  

Any minute now, something will flow.  It’s bound to.  Of course I can write about myself.  Surely. Surely?  

Any minute now…

And you whispered, "My precious sister, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings."